How do I begin to put into words the picture that God gave me of how my life will look, of who he has called me to be? I am a peacemaker by nature. That was true far before I began learning about the enneagram. The enneagram is a personality profile that teaches individuals the motivations behind their behaviors. The Gospel Enneagram found at https://www.gospelenneagram.com/ has more information if you are interested in learning more about yourself. I am an enneagram number nine which is the number labeled peacemaker. Each number has a corresponding word like loyalist, challenger, and reformer. It made perfect sense to me that in a personality model that connected so deeply with my heart that I would of course be a peacemaker.

      I was listening to a podcast and the guest on the show said that enneagram nines are without a village. That statement punched me in the gut. Truth rushed in like angry churning waters and I saw myself standing in the middle of a river. On one side of the river was a group of people and on the opposite side of the river another group of people stood. Shots fired. Angry hateful words released and neither party wanted anything to do with the other. I knew and loved both groups and they both knew and loved me. Expectations hovered over me each side calling me close asking me to join them and forsake the others. Their disappointment mocks me when I do not move to either side. I just can’t do that. I refuse to choose a side therefore I stand in the river.  A mending needs to take place so I hold my hands open wide reaching my arms out to each side. This is the cross that God has asked me to carry.

     There standing in the river I begin to fear that no one will reach out for my hands, that unity will never come. As the day turns to dusk I begin to wonder how I will make a home here. Where will I lay my head to rest? Will I ever have a home here? All questions that haunt me in the still moments. It is then that the wind breezes past my neck and I hear the kind voice of the Father. ‘This is not your home Dear One. Heaven is your home. I am your home here on earth. Rest. In. Me.’

     The sun rises and I am cold. My body aches against the resistance of the rushing water. My head nods and my feet almost slip as I rebalance myself praying for refreshment. Praying for peace. I close my eyes resolute to stay here wading into the tension calling for change, calling for a resolution among the people. As the sun begins to climb in the sky I hear a splash as an old friend joins me in the water taking my hand. I feel soft sobs well in my chest as I know that I am no longer alone, some will stand with me. As the hunger pangs began setting in and the sun beats down high in the sky I feel another person take my hand. Peace will come. Peace is worth fighting for.

     More hands joined each side and we were once again sewn together. My fear started to melt as bonds began to form between the once enemies. We forge new connections and new outlooks in a once stagnant place.

      As time passed quarrels and eagerness to have one’s own way left my shoulder strung out. One side would pull my body to the left while the other side pulled me to the right side of the bank. My body felt as though it would be hewn, shoulders snapping out of socket, pain searing through me. Why did making peace have to be so challenging? Why did it leave me rung out, exhausted, and bruised? Yet I am willing. Peace is worthy company to make sacrifices for.

     The thought of being a peacemaker allured me at first because I thought it would feel like curling up in a big comfy wing backed chair by a fire reading a cherished book and enjoying a warm cup of tea. It turns out making peace often means speaking difficult words in stammering obedience hoping that it will soon be over. It looks like dying to one’s own desires in order to lift other people up. Being a peacemaker is not the passive endeavor that I hoped it would be. I am often met with tears crying to God about why things are the way that they are. It means becoming comfortable in the tension of a broken world and from that place seeking to heal the wounds of hurting people. People who from rejection have decided to never look the direction of that other group again. I look forward to holding hands with those willing to enter the water and those holding on from the water’s edge. Isaiah 43:1-2 says, “But now, this is what the Lord says, “he who created you, Jacob he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” This shall be my comfort.